Admitting I Need Help

It's a pretty common thing for me to experience heightened levels of stress and less attentiveness this time of year, especially during periods of study and education.  That's nothing new, I'm sure everyone experiences this to some degree.  However, in my history (and in this case it appears as though history IS repeating itself) its led me to total mental breakdown.  I become so sick with anxiety that I don't sleep, and I always try to take my Ritalin so along with not sleeping I'm generally not eating.  So trying to do something that doesn't come naturally to me, while being sleep deprived, not on a sleeping schedule, and not eating food (which basically means the Ritalin isn't being used to it's full potential because there's no energy being put in my system) equals one big mess.  I've been avoiding my class because admitting that I'm behind and might not pass my TAFE course makes me more anxious.  So odviously, through avoiding class I'm furthur behind.  Which makes me more anxious.  I'm currently so far behind that I'm positive I'm not going to pass.  I'm trying to remain optimistic but I also have to be realistic.  I'm not putting in as much effort as I'm probably expected; but some days when I have my medication I just can't focus on my schoolwork, something else is shiny and more important (like a book, cleaning my room) and to try and do anything else makes me really finicky and fidgety.  In this regard mum thinks I may have a little bit of Aspergers in me like dad.  If something isn't happening the way I expect it too or doesn't work with what's going on in my head I don't react right.. When it happens to dad he literally flips out, but I kind of just retreat into my head and begin stimming and get kind of like Ben gets when he's 'Baby Ben'. So I'm not sure what that means, it doesn't just happen when I've had medication.  As a small example, mum was cooking schnitzel the other night in the oven and she had some paper towel on the tray.  The crust of the schnitzel ended up peeling off and sticking to the paper towel and in my head it didn't LOOK right so I couldn't eat it. Like looking at it made me frustrated because it wasn't right.  I have the same sort of reaction when I can't do my schoolwork.  I get frustrated because it's not what my head is telling me to do.  It doesn't fit.

This has led me to believe that my ADHD is getting worse, and in turn my anxiety.  I have to admit I need help, I've reached out to a friend who can hopefully set me up with some music therapy for my anxiety.  I need to have an appointment with my Employment Consultant to discuss what could happen if I don't complete this course and give them notice that I may have some official changes made in regards to my mental health.  I also need to have an appointment with my psychiatrist (which could take months to happen) to discuss a program that is supposed to help people with severe ADHD get into a routine and learn to focus or something.  It's really hard for me to talk about this stuff out loud.  I always get emotional and start crying.  But since crying in front of people and showing that kind of emotion makes me anxious I decided to write it down here so I can show everyone without having a breakdown all over town.

I don't know if I've discussed everything I needed too but it'll have to do for now since if I edit/re-read this I'll probably delete things that need to stay.

~Becca

Christian Thoughts

I just watched a Christian couples vlog and they discussed something that I wholeheartedly agree with.

The idea that to be a 'good' Christian you HAVE to go to Church. Yes, "For where two or three gather in my name, there am I with them." but in saying that God is around you all the time, He is always with you once you let Him into your heart. I prefer to spend my time with God alone, I have my personal praise I do in my room and I read verses on my own and make my own notes. Sometimes I forget for a few weeks and sometimes I forget to do anything else (the forgetting is all part of my lack of time management and not noticing it's been three weeks than lack of desire). I enjoy having Christian discussions when I feel prepared for it. But my not going to Church doesn't make me a 'bad' Christian. There are people that go to Church every Sunday, they dress up, sing the praises, they participate in communion. But then they go home and forget about Him. For me personally sermons are difficult to get through because half the time I stop listening and get distracted - no matter how entertaining the Pastor may make it - so I read them instead of listening to them. I learn more from my own study than I do listening; it was the same in school.