Bad Mindspace

I'm in a pretty bad mindspace right now and I need to write it out so I can either get out of it or have it for my psychologist.

I'm just sitting here in my bed, laying really, watching clips from TV shows on YouTube.  I have a test tomorrow that I am no where near ready for and wasn't expecting to take.  I have a messy bedroom that needs sorting.  I have blog posts I need to write for Bookmas that I haven't finished and photos I haven't edited. I feel useless.  Worthless.  I've wasted most of my day just sitting here.  At least when I read I feel I've accomplished something because you actually need to think to read.  I'm just staring mindlessly at my computer screen.  I feel pathetic.  Like a waste.  Practically I know this is just a bad day for me.  My medication isn't working that great and I don't have any real good specific goal to work towards.  But low days like this really suck.  Because I really do feel worthless.  I just lay in my bed day after day doing nothing and that is so unhealthy.  I just don't know how to fix it because it's pretty clear I can't be proactive and initiate change or routine.

Day One Seroquel: A Medical Update For Personal Reference Purposes

Last night was my first night trying a new medication.  After meeting with my psychiatrist we decided before we diagnose any potential further issues we'd tackle my current issues one by one.  My mum believes a lot of my issues revolve around the not sleeping then not eating factor.  I agree.  When my doctor saw what medication I was taking at night to help me get to sleep she was somewhat shocked.  I was on an older medication that's usually prescribed for children. I've been on the same sleep medication since grade 7 and I'm now coming up to two years out of high school.  Which means I've been on that medication for 8 years.  She suggested I get a prescription for a medication called Seroquel.  In high dosages (600 mg) it's used to treat severe mental illnesses such as Bi-Polarism.  In lower doses (150-400 mg roughly) it's used as an anti-anxiety and anti-depressant. In smaller doses it causes drowsiness.  That's what I got, I'm on 25 mg a night and if I find I need more I can go up to 100 mg.  I took the medication at 9:20.  I normally take my sleeping tablets at 9:30 so I was sticking to that routine.  I was still awake at midnight but feeling drowsy.  I normally fall asleep around 1-3 am,  Last night I turned my laptop off at 12:30 and fell asleep before 1 in the morning.  Tonight I'm going to try turning it off sooner, and reading a book to conquer my boredom that ensures once my computer is off.  I sleep all through the night and woke up at almost 7:30 am.  For the last few mornings (for about three weeks?) I've been waking up between 7:30 and 8 am.  I think this is because with Spring and Summer coming up there's more sunlight and it's streaming through my curtains right into my eye line.  Usually after waking up I'd stay in bed and hop on my laptop but today I got up and had THREE bowls of cereal.  I never really have breakfast, and when I do it's usually not t breakfast time.  So this is somewhat amazing.  I know my medication didn't impact that but it's something of note.  Mum has been praying for me so this could be the result of God's work.
At breakfast mum suggested I have one of those Berocca tablets that give you vitamins and help boost mental alertness or something.  So I took two.  I realised after doing that that it said take two THROUGHOUT the day so that was aa whoops for me.
I didn't take my Ritalin today.

Then something amazing happened.  I always have a messy room.  I'm not talking a few things out of place and some dirty clothes on the floor.  I'm talking three months worth of dirty clothes on my floor, dirty tissues and lolly wrappers, dust and sand from shoes and an entire corner up to my waist of miscellaneous junk.  I have never been able to control that, I've been this way since I was little and I'm a hoarder. I like to have my things in my room.  Anyway, I pretty much never do a full clean, I'll be close but not finish and I only do that once maybe every 6 months.  And I can only do that with my Ritalin.  Well today I basically did a full clean (I have some boxes but they're categorised and waiting for mum to help me sort them since hoarder and all.. I would just keep it all..) and I ate some snacks throughout the day and I'm hungry right now.  But I cleaned my entire room in under 6 hours.  A task that even uncompleted takes me an entire day I did in 6 hours.  Without my medication.  I'm honestly so proud of myself right now.  I've never achieved anything like this ON MY OWN without medication before.

So that's how I'm currently going. Mum has a bunch of stuff she bought me to try and help but I think it's just going to confuse me and make my room clunkier and junkier.  I'll probably just keep the bedside light and that's it.. (There's a literal CD Boombox, a digital alarm clock radio and another bedside lamp.)

I'll update how the rest of my evening is going later if I remember.

Okay, here's my update.  I ate a full dinner and other than a little antsiness that showed up when mum started trying to bring other things into my room (lamp, clock) I haven't sort of had an overload.

It's 9:30 now, I just had my acne medication, a melatonin (which I haven't had regularly before or recently) and the seroquel.  I haven't and won't (for a while) be taking my endep (for my prolapsed disc) since it's also used as an anti-depressant and since I'm not being prescribed either of these medications for depression I don't want to put a double dose into my system until I know how my body responds.  I didn't take melatonin last night since in the past it hasn't done anything other than make me sleep deeper and longer (my problem is getting to sleep not sleeping) however my mum wants me to start taking it to see how it impacts me if I use it somewhat regularly.  I think it might affect my 'experiment' and alter how I perceive the seroquel to be affecting me.

First yawn at 11 pm.

Admitting I Need Help

It's a pretty common thing for me to experience heightened levels of stress and less attentiveness this time of year, especially during periods of study and education.  That's nothing new, I'm sure everyone experiences this to some degree.  However, in my history (and in this case it appears as though history IS repeating itself) its led me to total mental breakdown.  I become so sick with anxiety that I don't sleep, and I always try to take my Ritalin so along with not sleeping I'm generally not eating.  So trying to do something that doesn't come naturally to me, while being sleep deprived, not on a sleeping schedule, and not eating food (which basically means the Ritalin isn't being used to it's full potential because there's no energy being put in my system) equals one big mess.  I've been avoiding my class because admitting that I'm behind and might not pass my TAFE course makes me more anxious.  So odviously, through avoiding class I'm furthur behind.  Which makes me more anxious.  I'm currently so far behind that I'm positive I'm not going to pass.  I'm trying to remain optimistic but I also have to be realistic.  I'm not putting in as much effort as I'm probably expected; but some days when I have my medication I just can't focus on my schoolwork, something else is shiny and more important (like a book, cleaning my room) and to try and do anything else makes me really finicky and fidgety.  In this regard mum thinks I may have a little bit of Aspergers in me like dad.  If something isn't happening the way I expect it too or doesn't work with what's going on in my head I don't react right.. When it happens to dad he literally flips out, but I kind of just retreat into my head and begin stimming and get kind of like Ben gets when he's 'Baby Ben'. So I'm not sure what that means, it doesn't just happen when I've had medication.  As a small example, mum was cooking schnitzel the other night in the oven and she had some paper towel on the tray.  The crust of the schnitzel ended up peeling off and sticking to the paper towel and in my head it didn't LOOK right so I couldn't eat it. Like looking at it made me frustrated because it wasn't right.  I have the same sort of reaction when I can't do my schoolwork.  I get frustrated because it's not what my head is telling me to do.  It doesn't fit.

This has led me to believe that my ADHD is getting worse, and in turn my anxiety.  I have to admit I need help, I've reached out to a friend who can hopefully set me up with some music therapy for my anxiety.  I need to have an appointment with my Employment Consultant to discuss what could happen if I don't complete this course and give them notice that I may have some official changes made in regards to my mental health.  I also need to have an appointment with my psychiatrist (which could take months to happen) to discuss a program that is supposed to help people with severe ADHD get into a routine and learn to focus or something.  It's really hard for me to talk about this stuff out loud.  I always get emotional and start crying.  But since crying in front of people and showing that kind of emotion makes me anxious I decided to write it down here so I can show everyone without having a breakdown all over town.

I don't know if I've discussed everything I needed too but it'll have to do for now since if I edit/re-read this I'll probably delete things that need to stay.

~Becca

Christian Thoughts

I just watched a Christian couples vlog and they discussed something that I wholeheartedly agree with.

The idea that to be a 'good' Christian you HAVE to go to Church. Yes, "For where two or three gather in my name, there am I with them." but in saying that God is around you all the time, He is always with you once you let Him into your heart. I prefer to spend my time with God alone, I have my personal praise I do in my room and I read verses on my own and make my own notes. Sometimes I forget for a few weeks and sometimes I forget to do anything else (the forgetting is all part of my lack of time management and not noticing it's been three weeks than lack of desire). I enjoy having Christian discussions when I feel prepared for it. But my not going to Church doesn't make me a 'bad' Christian. There are people that go to Church every Sunday, they dress up, sing the praises, they participate in communion. But then they go home and forget about Him. For me personally sermons are difficult to get through because half the time I stop listening and get distracted - no matter how entertaining the Pastor may make it - so I read them instead of listening to them. I learn more from my own study than I do listening; it was the same in school.

Making Mistakes and Learning from Them

Sometimes in life we bite our tongues.  For whatever reason, whether good or bad or grey, we don't speak up when given the chance. And we see the consequences of that eventually and know it's too late in the game to use the words.

Today one of my best friends announced he was engaged.  I of course already knew, not because he told me, but because my other best friend works with a woman whose daughter lives with him at their workplace and saw the girlfriend, now fiancee, wearing the ring and now we know.  Which was totally uncool. So seeing it announced on Facebook wasn't a surprise.  What is a surprise is the lack of acknowledgment of his friends opinions.

He's an amazing guy, don't get me wrong - he's been a bit of a man-whore party animal in the past.  But since getting a full time job I honestly believe he's grown past that. He's loyal, kind, protective.  And while he has many faults, he's a good man.

I may not know his new fiancee well.. But it's common knowledge between my friends that I have a good instinct, good intuition when it comes to people.  When my other best friend was dating someone who I didn't like, he listened and understood that it wasn't just not liking him.  It was feeling uncomfortable in his presence. He turned out to be a douche and whop I was right and this intuition has been proven time and time again - but the thing is.. Despite his knowing this, he still believes this is the right thing to do.

See, when Courtney (that's my other best friend) was with The Douche, I distanced myself from her.  She was in the situation, she didn't see what I saw.  So she didn't listen, and so I stepped back.  We're young and impulsive, if I had pushed she would have chosen him over me.  And since it was clear to me there was an expiration date I simply stepped back and waited to help pick up the pieces.

Some might think I'm over reacting, or even that I'm jealous.  But I know what I see.  What I feel.  The second this girl came into his life he practically abandoned us.  He doesn't see it but they're in  bubble.  He can't see that I've distanced myself.  That he's getting cut off from his best friends because he's too caught up to see that none of us like this girl.  I won't get into details about her since that wouldn't be fair, but I will say that I can see she's using him.  She's an immature girl who has managed to pull Zac away from HIS support network.

And I had my chance to speak up.  But given I've seen him probably three times in the past six months, and that I felt it was a conversation best had in person, and my dislike to speak ill of people (unless I'm with Courtney) I didn't.  And now, now he has to make these mistakes.  It's his chance to learn a lesson.  Because, whether it's in a month's time, a years time or a decades time.  He's going to look back and regret this choice.  His mum had him out of wedlock, the cycle will likely continue.  I have no doubt that before they get married they'll be a baby announcement.  But my chance to speak up has passed.  It's no longer in my hands.

I have to trust God knows his plans for my best friend.  Plans to help him grow.  In the meantime, I'll continue to distance myself, my other friends have already noticed my distance (and Courtneys - and her boyfriends [who went to school with the fiancee] dislike of her in general) and to be honest most of them will follow in my footsteps.  It's sad.  But they know my intuition.  They know I'm right. nd it will suck that the small safety net Zac had is disintegrating beneath him.  But it's his path and he has to see where it leads him.

I'm not really sure what I've said. But I needed to get it off my chest, and that's what this blog is here for now.  Basically it sucks to watch your bestfriend make a mistake when you didn't try hard enough to show them that they're doing the exact same thing they once hated from Courtney.  And it sucks more to know that it's out of my hands, that it's no longer my place to say anything.  That it needs to run it's course.

I'll delete this (or make it private) if anyone shares it or feels it's impolite to share this.

xxx

Some Feelings About The Future

It's been a while (a real long while) since I last made a blog post here, but lately I've been thinking about the future and what I'll pass down to my children.  See my family obviously has a history of Asperger's and High Functioning Autism.  Because of this it's very likely that any children I have will be affected in one way or another, they may end up with ADHD (like me), Aspergers (like my dad), High Functioning Autism (like my brother) or simply be affected by association (like my mum and probably my future partner, those poor normal people..).  My father is also colour blind, see this gene runs on the females line and affects the males, so it'll affect any boy I have.  These are the things I've been thinking about.  That may not seem like a big task, thousand and thousands of parents deal with children with special needs all over the world.  My fear is that I own't be able to look after them, that it'll be too much for me, that I'll resent my children for something that not only could they not control but that I passed down to them.  My fear is that I won't be capable of caring for a child with these needs in a way that would help them positively.  I know I won't have children for quite a while, but even so I also know I'm a very selfish person.  I tend not to take others into consideration when doing things and I spend a lot of my time with my nose in a book not paying attention to those around me.   I wouldn't have the patience to deal with certain aspects of a child with ADHD/Asperger's/Autism.  I know that there is a chance I'll have my mum around to help me (although there is no guarantee of that as she is over 60 years old and I'm not even 20 yet), but I also know certain support groups are fairly useless and even if they weren't I dislike them as they have an expectation of what should be 'wrong' with these children and they target those issues instead of seeing that every child is unique in their diagnosis. I hate dealing with the government and if I was managing an Autistic child then I'd have to get a careers payment and deal with all that fluff.  I'd have to get used to being seen as a bad mother because my child will most definitely have tantrums in public.  Usually because there are too many people around.  ( Click Here To See What I Mean) I'm not good at dealing with people anyway,

I just spoke to my best friend about it.  Because that's what best friends are for.  And she reminded me that there's simply a chance that it could happen, and if it does then I've learned my whole life how to deal with Aspies and Autism and I can learn from my mothers mistakes.  That I'll have emotional support from my friends and from my husband who'll hopefully be so normal that actually helping raise his own children isn't something he's unable to actively help in doing.  That'll I'll be able to sit down with her and a glass of wine and decompress.

Yes my children could be different, and if they are, or even if they're not, when the time comes I'll manage.  I'll deal with it and be able to handle it with my own support group.  It may mean I have to mature more than I probably want, but I want a big family, so I guess I have to make the decision to do what needs to be done when the time comes.

Besides, I've never cared what others thought anyway.


Becca

xoxo