July 2017: How I Feel

Sometimes I feel like I should just give up on this TAFE stuff... But I don't have anything else to do - if I'm not studying I have to look for work and I don't want to work (plus I'm not exactly suited to any type of employment that hires without previous work experience).  Like it's taken me half a year to complete a tiny portion of a book that should have taken me less than 2 months.  I suck.  I'm crap at this.  Just because I like organising money doesn't mean I'm capable of doing this.  Like even working in the class with the teacher and other students I fall behind - I just wish I had a different option.
I wish I was different.  More capable and driven.  Like take my best friend for example, she decided early on what she wanted to do and she stuck with it and really put herself out there so she could get the education and experience she needed to make that career happen.  She moved three hours away for an opportunity to continue that experience (even though it led her back home).  I chose to do English courses and chose to not follow through with Uni options because I basically flunked every class due to stress.  Then I chose a Cert 4 TAFE accounting course - which I hadn't prepared for by choosing math classes at Don - then fell behind because I'm useless. And looking at my parents - they were so successful.  Like mum was basically partner to a HUGE business that created the prototype for something that later went on to save lives  She can walk into a house and assess what needs to be changed to provide adequate living conditions for someone with a mental or physical disability.  Dad worked for Australia's leading telecommunications industry, Telecom, and has diplomas and masters in stuff I don't even understand the names of. And even though Ben hasn't had success with education or a career - he's improved so much in what he's capable of accomplishing since he was first diagnosed with Autism.  He's creating incredible things on his graphic design game stuff.  He's incredible.  And then there's me... I have achieved nothing.  If anything I've gone downhill.  I haven't written anything in regards to story writing in over a year.  I've written a sentence here and there and come up with a thousand ideas.  But actually sat down and written for hours on end creating something magical?  Not in over a year.  And even then it wasn't regular.  I'm a failure.  And a liar - because I keep telling people that I've been writing that I have this awesome story I'm working on.. Just to hide the fact that I'm not motivated.

And I know my worth isn't in my grades of my employment or even in what I create - my worth comes from how what I say/write and do effects the lives of those around me for the better.  But sometimes knowing that doesn't help - especially when you feel like you keep failing those who just want to see you happy and successful.