Ball Of Anxiety In My Tummy.
Hey guys, I haven't been too great today. I don't know why specifically... I woke up late this morning, I was allowed too, my classes didn't start until 12:45 so I woke up around 9 am and had my medication (Ritalin L.A). After that I had a glass of Coke. But it wasn't the Coke that made me the way I currently am, and was back then. Anyway, I had my medication and started on my Reading Journal homework, I noticed after finishing my personal analytical response to one poet and was starting on the next that my hand was shaking, not violent shakes, just little tremors. Now this isn't anything unusual, it happens quite a lot and not only to me but to many other people. But also my temper had started to rise, and I was just so mad at this poet and she did nothing wrong? I was extremely critical or her work and I wasn't even talking about her technique or anything, I was just saying that her poetry was shit, which is cruel of me.. But I couldn't help it. Soon after that the words and lines started to sort of mess up in my head and I couldn't concentrate anymore. By this point it was around 12:35 and I requested that Mother drove me to school. My first class was English Writing, and we're just starting on our second poems. While I was writing I noticed hat my hand was still tremoring, and usually after like half an hour it stops, but it hadn't but I just dismissed it. I had to speak to Craig (my teacher) about the topic of my Character Poem and ask if doing someone so close to me was okay because my teacher last year had advised me that it wasn't a good idea. So I went and spoke with Craig, now the person and moment that I wanted to capture was quite personal and really close to home, but not sad emotional, or overjoyed with happiness emotional, nothing that would warrant tears, and yet as I was speaking I noticed that my voice was shaking and my emotions were becoming stronger, harder to contain. I'm not sure whether Craig noticed or not, I doubt it, but I was so worried that I would end up crying. I had this ball of anxiety sitting my the pit of my stomach and it was almost painful, I even sent a text to Leprechaun (not that he received it till later because none of my classrooms have reception).
"My reaction to my table today isn't good... My hands are shaking. My mind keeps going o bad thoughts..... My heart is thumping like crazy.... I feel like it's constricting."
I sent that too him. It was true, still partially is. I know it has something to do with my medication, I just don't know what. It might have something to do with the fact that I didn't eat anything at all yesterday except for some Cheezles and that I didn't have breakfast or lunch today. But I've had food since then and it's still bad.
Anyway, yeah, my heart was pounding, I had this ball of anxiety in my stomach, I felt like my heart was being constricted, closed up, I still do. My hands were shaking, my eyes couldn't focus on anything, my mind was jumping all over the place. In Graphics it was slightly better but only because I was distracted. Even so focused on my work I could still feel my heart thumping too fast and I could feel the ball of anxiety growing, expanding. This afternoon I tried to play it off because Camroon, Leprechaun, and Christopher Robin were all at my house, but I think Leprechaun picked up on it. Now sitting here alone in my room I can feel my heart still constricted, I can feel this huge pit of worry, of anxiety in my stomach, I can feel my mind rushing but slowing down, and I can feel and see my hands tremoring. I hate it, I wan to immerse myself into a fictional world to escape whatever is worrying me and I can't help but feel like something bad is going to happen or is happening and I hate it. I just want to escape it. I'm going to go find a novel to get stuck into, or a website to get hooked on, or create scenarios in my head about happier things, or about different situations. I should probably eat something too, all I've eaten in the last two days is some Cheezles and nuggets. I probably didn't eat much the day before that either.... I feel like I'm on the edge of having a break down and that scares me more than anything, because one I have a break down I shut down. I shut everyone out and I loose people close to me. So I pray that that isn't the case.
Also this quote has been stuck in my head all day.
"Life is a gift. Not a right."
I wrote it on my hand but I accidentally wrote write not right. Which was slightly amusing.
Live long and prosper, godspeed.
Becca.
And remember Jesus loves you and God has a plan for you life.
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