PERSONAL: My Prayers.
*DISCLAIMER: This post isn't actually for anyone to read, this blog is my diary and these are thoughts I wanted to write out. I don't actually want anyone to read them. So please ignore this post. *
Dear Lord,
I come to you today as your loyal servant, as your child, as one of your disciples. I come to you because I love you, I believe in you, and I trust in you, but I have no idea how deep that all runs. I don't know if I believe that because it was what I was taught or if it's what I learnt by myself. I know you exist, I know angels exist and I know miracles are true. These are things I know. But Lord, I don't understand any of it. I come to you for guidance, for understanding. I'm writing this down because I feel I best express my emotions and what I'm trying to say, when I say it here. I'm not writing this for the benefit of others, or to force your way upon them. I'm writing it here because this is something I want a record of, something I want to be able to look back at. Back to my prayer, Lord, my whole family has come to let in your love, they speak to you in tongues and understand so much more than I fear I'm capable of. I don't think I have the capability of understanding your words, and what it all means by myself, I need a guide, a mentor. Someone to help me find my way, find my way to you Lord. I recognize that I haven't 'accepted you' the same way my parents and brother have. Lord, I don't understand how to give you my life, I don't know how I'm supposed to do that. I know if I went to church I would probably find out, or I could ask, but Lord that environment scares me. Being around so many people that prefer to speak than observe terrifies me. Lord, I know that I have to put in the effort to come to understand The Bible, and I know that it takes commitment for one to hand their life over, even though I believe my life is already in your hands, and I know that I haven't taken the initiative to take the steps to find my way or to receive guidance from someone. I know these things, and I know a lot of my fears and my procrastination can be solved just by putting myself in the right frame of mind, but my frame of mind changes so often I don't even know how to control that to be able to take charge of my life.
Lord, I know what's to come. I know that The End Times are coming and that you will return and that the true believers will receive Rapture. I know that what proceeds this is the Seven Years Of Tribulation. I know that more Jewish people will die in this upcoming war than that of the Holocaust because they will be blamed. I know and I think I understand this Lord, and I know that I don't want to be here when it happens. I know it could happen in 50 years, or it could happen in 3 months. I know time isn't something we have much of. But the truth is I don't know these things, this is what I've been told and taught and I don't know any different. But I believe it's true. I believe you will be coming back soon Lord, and I believe that, although I am a little late, I need to find my way to you before it's too late. As a child I didn't understand that I had to find you on my own, I thought that if I just.. I don't know.. I just thought because I was covered as a child I would be my entire life and I wouldn't have to put in an effort. I know that sounds silly, but I didn't understand. But I get it now. I get that to be saved, to be covered by your love and guidance that I have to be independent, that I have to put in the initiative to come to you, to understand what's to come. But even knowing that Lord, I know me. I know that this thought, this desire to be.... To be yours, might go away and be replaced with my mindless obsessing with fictional characters, or celebrities. Silly things and idols that don't actually hold much importance to me, mindless things that occupy my thoughts when you could be occupying them. I know that this will likely happen, and that I'm just like this now because of what mum was telling me earlier. But I don't want that to be the case. I want to find you. I want to be able to spread the majesty of you love to tell my friends about your greatness. I want to be able to help them see the light and come to find you Lord.
I have no idea what I've said, but I know you understand what I need. And I know that what I think I need and what you know I need are probably different, and that's why I want you to guide me. Guide me to the right path. To my destiny. I don't know if I'm meant to be taken with the true believers when the time comes, I don't know what tasks you have set for me and what you want me to achieve. Only you know that. And I trust you. I still don't know what I'm saying. Lord, I would like to be able to help my friends. I would like to be able to save them when the time comes. They're both broken, and they've both made mistakes and still are making them, and I fear for their souls. I know I can't push something onto them, I can't change who they are, but Lord I just know that if they came to see your wonder they would start to heal. Their wounds would bind together and they would become stronger. But I know they won't accept you until the time is right, and Lord I don't know why but I feel like I am the person that's supposed to bring them to you. This sounds so silly..
Lord, I come to you today, as you servant, your child, and your disciple. I come to you begging for guidance, for help. I know I have a destiny, my mother knows I have a destiny, I know I have Sight and that mum took it away. I know that there is a role I am to play and I don't know how to make the first move
Lord,
I come to you today as your child, your servant, and as your disciple. I wrote a prayer before this where I asked for guidance to find you. But I think I'm just starting to realize that I have already found you and that I just need to make the first steps to joining you. I know and recognize that you are the one true Messiah and that your love is almighty and powerful, that you died for our sins and that you will come back. Soon. I trust in you Lord when I say I put my life in your hands, I mean it. I am your pawn for whatever is to come. Use me, my destiny is written by you and I know you will help me find that. I know that whatever is to come you will be by my side. Lord I admit I do doubt sometimes, I don't know why? Even when I doubt I know that you are real, and when I doubt and can't even explain what it is that I'm doubting. I've seen things that make it hard to even think about doubting you, so I suppose that maybe it's the Devil playing tricks with my mind. Trying to sway me. Lord I don't know why but I feel, I feel it so strongly, that I have an important role. But I feel like I need an understanding, and understanding of you and your word, before I am allowed to take these first steps. And Lord, I want to understand, at least I think I want to. I have the desire to know. But I don't think I'm capable of taking the initiative to learn that by myself, and Lord I know you already know this but I just don't think I could go to church to understand this. I don't feel safe or comfortable in church environments. I don't like how the people talk instead of observe, how they talk mindlessly about nothing of importance and.. I don't know.. I can't explain it. Lord I'm crying. I've been crying this whole time because even though I've found you I don't know how to get to you.
Lord,
I come to You now, your child, your servant, your disciple. I come to You seeking guidance. Lord I've essentially been preying all afternoon. I've written this almost four times now just trying to word it right. I know that how I word this doesn't matter, that You already know, that You probably knew before I did. I come to You today asking for guidance on my path to not only find, but also accept Your righteousness. I have believed in You my whole life, my Sight as a child allowed me to see part of Your world, and I know You are real. or at least I think in my heart of hearts I know You are real. And I know I sometimes pointlessly doubt, and I think that it's not because I doubt You but because the Devil is playing tricks with my mind, because I have no reason to doubt your existence. But I know that believing in you and following you are two different things, and that I would like to do both. I would like to follow my parents, and brothers, footsteps and invite you into my heart.
Oh gosh I don't know what I'm saying Lord.
I want to be with you Lord, I want to be your disciple, I want to help others, I don't know what I want.
I want what my parents have.
I want you.
Amen.
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